If you've ever wondered whether you're bisexual enough because your attraction doesn't feel equal across genders, you're not alone. One of the most persistent misconceptions about bisexuality is that being bisexual means being equally attracted to men and women.
The truth is, bisexuality exists on a spectrum, and attraction can look very different from one person to another. It can also look different for the same person over time. You can be bisexual and have a strong preference for one gender. You can experience different kinds of attraction toward different genders. You can have a history of relationships with one gender and still genuinely experience attraction to another.
There isn't a required 50/50 split to qualify.
At its simplest, bisexuality describes experiencing attraction to more than one gender. That attraction doesn't have to be equal, happen at the same time, look the same from one gender to another, or result in a relationship or sexual experience.
Being bisexual doesn't necessarily mean:
It simply means that your experience of attraction can include more than one gender. And that's where things can get a little more complicated, because attraction itself isn't just one thing.
This is one thing that tends to confuse people a lot. You can be drawn to someone in different ways, and those types of attraction don't always line up neatly, which can cause you to question everything, including your marriage/partnership.
Sexual attraction is about who you feel sexually drawn to. You might experience strong sexual attraction toward women and occasional sexual attraction toward men, or vice versa. You might also experience sexual attraction toward more than one gender but find that it feels different depending on the person or gender.
Romantic attraction is more about who you want to date, fall in love with, build a romantic relationship with, or experience that emotional intimacy with. Someone might experience romantic attraction toward men and women, but feel it more strongly toward one than the other.
Emotional attraction can be described as feeling especially drawn to someone's personality, the emotional connection you share, or the sense of closeness you develop with them. You might feel a deep emotional pull toward someone without necessarily wanting a sexual or romantic relationship with them.
Aesthetic attraction is more about appreciating someone's appearance. You might look at someone (or even a specific feature, like their breasts) and think they're beautiful, handsome, attractive, or simply visually appealing without actually wanting to date them or have sex with them.
Attraction types can overlap, or they can exist independently of one another. The combination can also vary from person to person, regardless of gender.
Some examples of how these attractions might play out in real life are:
These concepts often overlap, but they're not interchangeable.
Attraction is the feeling of being drawn to someone. You might notice that you're attracted to a particular person without having any intention of doing anything about it.
Desire is wanting something. You might feel attracted to someone and also want to kiss them, date them, have sex with them, or explore what a relationship with them might be like. But attraction doesn't automatically create that desire.
And action is what you actually choose to do. You can experience attraction and desire without acting on either one.
For example, you might notice that you're sexually attracted to a woman, but have no desire to pursue anything with her. You might have the desire to kiss or date a woman but choose not to act on it because you're married, because you're not interested in changing your relationship, because the circumstances aren't right, or simply because you don't want to.
The reverse can also be true. You might find yourself attracted to someone and become curious about what it would be like to act on that attraction. That doesn't mean you have to do so.
Being bisexual doesn't mean you have to have earned some kind of physical connection badge through your relationship history. You can experience genuine attraction to more than one gender without ever having a physical relationship with more than one gender.
At the same time, you may want to have those experiences. And if you do, that desire may have an effect on your existing relationship. That can be scary and confusing, particularly when you know how much you love the person you're with.
Your attraction is an experience. Your desire is a feeling. Your actions are choices. They can influence one another, but they aren't the same thing.
You can still be bisexual even if you have a strong preference for one gender over another. This is one reason the idea of bisexuality as a spectrum can be helpful.
If you are much more frequently attracted to women than men, that doesn't automatically make you a lesbian.
If you're more frequently attracted to men but occasionally experience genuine attraction to women, that doesn't automatically make you straight.
Sometimes the hardest part isn't figuring out whether you're attracted to more than one gender. Many women worry that they don't have enough experience to legitimately call themselves bisexual. If this is you, rest assured, there is no minimum number of partners required, nor is there a checklist of experiences you have to have completed. The only thing required is being honest with yourself about your own experience of attraction.
For some women, attraction may have felt relatively consistent throughout their lives. Others may not have their first real attraction until they're already married with a family. For others, it can feel more fluid, with attraction becoming more noticeable or intense during some periods and much less prominent, to the point of being nearly nonexistent, during others.
As a bisexual woman, you may go through periods where you're more aware of your attraction to one gender. Your circumstances may change. Your relationships may change. Your understanding of yourself may change. None of these necessarily mean that your underlying sexuality has changed. Sometimes what changes is simply how aware you are of your attraction, how you understand it, or how you choose to describe it. And sometimes people do experience their sexuality as changing over time. You don't have to force a label on yourself either way.
If you've spent a lot of time wondering whether you're really bisexual because your attraction doesn't look 50/50, you may not need to look for a label. You may simply need to give yourself permission to recognize your own levels of attraction.
In the end, your bisexuality doesn't have to look like anyone else's.
Are you a bi-curious or bisexual woman in a straight-looking relationship? Join your tribe at Married Bees.